Hier ein biss­chen was zum ame­ri­ka­ni­schen Wahl­kampf: Diverse Sepa­ra­tis­ten­be­we­gun­gen sind ja im Süden sehr stark. Was, wenn sich die ‘blauen’ Staa­ten, sprich, jene, die demo­kra­tisch domi­niert sind, abspal­ten würden?

 

Dear Red Sta­tes:
We’ve deci­ded we’re lea­ving. We intend to form our own coun­try,
and we’re taking the other Blue Sta­tes with us. In case you aren’t
aware, that inclu­des Cali­for­nia, Hawaii, Ore­gon, Washing­ton,
Min­ne­sota, Wis­con­sin, Michi­gan, Illi­nois and all the Northeast. It may
even include Flo­rida and Ohio, they are seriously con­side­ring it.
We’ve given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will
be bene­fi­cial to the nation, and espe­cially to the people of the new
coun­try. Since we’re drop­ping the middle sta­tes we’re cal­ling it
United Ame­rica, or sim­ply the U.A.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Okla­homa and all the slave
sta­tes. We get stem cell rese­arch and the best bea­ches. We get the
Sta­tue of Liberty. You get Dol­ly­wood. You can take Ted Nug­ent. We’re
keeping Bruce Springs­teen and Billy Joel. You get World­Com. We get
Intel and Micro­soft. You get Ole’ Miss. We get Har­vard and 85 per­cent
of America’s ven­ture capi­tal and entre­pre­neurs. You get Ala­bama. We
get two-thirds of the tax reve­nue, you get to make the red sta­tes pay
their fair share.
Since our aggre­gate divorce rate is 22 per­cent lower than the
Chris­tian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy fami­lies. You get a
bunch of sin­gle moms, and the hig­hest con­cen­tra­tion of pregnant unwed
teen­agers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citi­zens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evan­ge­li­cals. They have
kids they’re appa­r­ently wil­ling to send to their deaths for no
pur­pose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pic­tures of their
children’s cas­kets com­ing home. We do wish you suc­cess in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we’re not wil­ling to
spend our resour­ces in Bush’s Quag­mire. We’d rather spend it on taking
care of sick people, and edu­ca­ting our child­ren.
With the Blue Sta­tes in hand, we will have firm con­trol of 80
per­cent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 per­cent of the
pineapple and lettuce, 92 per­cent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95
per­cent of America’s qua­lity wines, 90 per­cent of all cheese, 90
per­cent of the high tech indus­try, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal,
all living red­woods, sequoias and con­dors, all the Ivy and Seven
Sis­ter schools plus Stan­ford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red Sta­tes,
on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 per­cent of all obese
Ame­ri­cans (and their pro­jec­ted health care costs), 92 per­cent of all
U.S. mos­qui­toes, nearly 100 per­cent of the tor­na­does, 90 per­cent of
the hur­ri­ca­nes, 99 per­cent of all Sou­thern Bap­tists, vir­tually 100
per­cent of all televan­ge­lists, Rush Lim­baugh, Bob Jones Uni­ver­sity,
Clem­son and the Uni­ver­sity of Geor­gia. We get Hol­ly­wood and Yose­mite,
thank you.
Addi­tio­nally, 38 per­cent of those in the Red sta­tes believe
Jonah was actually swal­lo­wed by a whale, 62 per­cent believe life is
sacred unless we’re dis­cus­sing the war, the death penalty or gun laws,
44 per­cent say that evo­lu­tion is only a theory, 53 per­cent that Sad­dam
was invol­ved in 9/11 and 61 per­cent of you crazy Red­dies believe you
are people with hig­her morals then we Blu­ies.
Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue Sta­tes